This Is What It's Really Like to Date as a Sex Worker

[Hobby]

I believe it was Plato who said, "Dating is a real pain in the ass," but when you're a sex worker, dating is somehow even more excruciating. On top of the usual trials and tribulations that come from trying to meet the right person, sex workers struggle with stigma, preconceived notions, and when to "come out" as a sex worker.

We spoke with six professional sex workers—whose day to day jobs differ within the sex industry—to learn about how they overcome the many challenges that come with dating.
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To read the full article...
https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a28539010/dating-as-sex-worker/

Highlights from this article...
Dahlia: In the beginning as a cam model it was easier. I guess it wasn't a "big deal." Back then I thought I had found "The One." We were together for three years and even ended up engaged. My partner said they supported me and was happy I was so open with my sexuality. As soon as it came out that I wanted to do porn, boy, did things flip. Definitely a lot of fights and jealousy. They just could not understand why I wanted to do it, and how it wasn't cheating. I realized that was not who I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. Since then, I have yet to be in a long-term relationship. There has been lots of situation-ships, ghosting, and games.

Jessa: I spent a lot of time either hiding what types of sex work I was doing with previous partners because I knew they were too insecure and un-evolved to understand that my job is providing fantasies and experiences. I finally stopped hiding my occupation because I am out to my entire family, and they accepted and supported that this was my path. I was transparent with all other people in my life, and so I finally loved myself enough to stop shaming myself.

Aviva: I have enjoyed several relationships (some open and some monogamous) as well as periods of being single while working as a dominatrix. I'm always open about what I do for work, so the people I date need to be open-minded and not possessive. Working as a pro domme has given me more confidence in relationships and dating, and has raised my standards for how I expect people to approach and engage with me. I am deeply fulfilled with my work and social life, so I'm not seeking a relationship to fill a void. It's really more about meeting interesting and inspiring people who can make positive contributions to my life. I'm currently on some dating apps, and make sure people know about my work and lifestyle before we meet in person.

Vana: My dating life has been practically nonexistent since becoming a sex worker. To further complicate things I am a trans sex worker. Being a niche within a niche greatly reduces my chances of meeting people. Very few ever show any genuine interest in dating me.

Katarina: I was never really great at dating because I get really tired and bored of it. When I did date, I didn't have too much trouble in terms of people having an issue with my job although I was dating some trash. A lot of people I deal with are lovely, but there is a lot of bullshit with men I have to deal with during the course of my job, so I'm not going to deal with it in my personal life. I just don't have it in me.

Lana: When I began shooting fetish content again in 2016, I was in a different relationship with someone who was "vanilla" and wasn't interested in this field of work. When I became a fetish model at the end of 2017 due to leaving my current job over scheduling, I ended up breaking things off with said individual as I couldn't be with a person who is not receptive to new ideas. I am currently in a very stimulating relationship with a partner who is genuinely fascinated about my work as a fetish model to the point where he shoots a few of my clips and often gives suggestions regarding outfits I should wear and fetish categories I should shoot.

What challenges do you face dating as a sex worker?
Dahlia: The biggest challenge is finding someone who actually wants to get to know you, for you. It's getting really hard to distinguish who really wants to be with me and who just wants the "I got to bang a pornstar" experience. Obviously, the last few guys I've had situation-ships with just wanted to bang. Trust me, I held out tried to make sure. I assume men don't see adult models as wife material, unless they are also in the industry. Another challenge is showing that it is just work. We love what we do. We go work, get paid, and come home just like a 9-5 worker would. I think most of us would love to have a supportive partner that they can go home to after a mentally draining day.

The last challenge worth mentioning would be the STD stigma. Everyone just thinks we're infested with STDs. If we were, we wouldn't be working. We cannot have sex with anyone untested. We must be tested every two weeks in order to film. I notice that a lot of people assuming we're [positive] have never been tested in their life...

Jessa: Many people who've approached me think I'm a nymphomaniac and am just open for whatever projected fantasy they have, which is extraordinarily frustrating—and frankly quite strange—when you've only exchanged two messages prior. Then, too, the amount of people thinking that sex workers can or need to be "saved" from sex work is outrageous! I love my life, I love being a sex worker and it is immediately the most unattractive thing when someone tells me they "make enough money so you can leave this job behind."

Aviva: Often when men find out about my work, they immediately start projecting their fantasies onto me and treat me like a sex worker instead of a complete, whole person they want to learn about. Because I am open-minded and nonjudgemental towards my clients' kinks and desires, some people see me as an opportunity to unload their fantasies onto me and expect me to engage with those fantasies after just meeting them, which feels like they want me to work for free. I've also dealt with jealousy and possessiveness, which really doesn't work for me. Another challenge I face is people not approaching me as potential for a serious, committed relationship.

Vana: I struggle with never really knowing how to act after I disclose what it is I do for a living. I have interests outside of sex work, but once I start sharing stories describing my proclivities and peccadillos in and out of the business, it's almost impossible to talk about anything else. It puts expectations on me to always be that way. Sometimes I just want be a nerd and watch movies, read comics, or listen to records, but after I tell the story of being in a gangbang ... how inclined would your average person be to talk about the latest Marvel movie?

Katarina: When I meet prospective daters, I do see some making calculations in their brain spaces. Do they think they can tell their friends or take me home to their mom? They usually don't see me a serious option to date.

Lana: Initially, it was difficult as I knew I wasn't going to settle with anyone who wasn't satisfied with my current field of work. Before I was in my current relationship, I used to briefly date this guy, who when we first started dated, I immediately told him I shoot fetish content such as face sitting, female domination, and foot worship. However things eventually became rocky as he actually wasn't fine with me "sitting on faces" in my clips, and we would constantly argue over my work for the next six months until I finally had to end things with him. In my current relationship, there has been a spat or two about "If I see myself shooting fetish long-term?" or "If I become a mother would I still shoot fetish?" with both responses being "We will see what the future holds."